Funny Jokes 'N stuff

Laura's WebSite

Funny Jokes 'N stuff

Silly Sayings that will make you Laugh....

If you were a DICK!!!

(view point as if you were a wee wee)

it's not easy being a dick, i've got a head i can't think with, an eye i can't see out of, i've got to hang around with 2 nuts all the time, my closest neighbor is a real ass hole, my best friend is a pussy, ever since aids i've had to wear a rubber suit that causes me to throw up all over myself, and worst of all my owner beats me---

Some More Jokes......

Picture perfect

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

What do you call a 350-pound stripper?

Broke

Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles?

People say he was half nuts

Why does a man's penis have a hole in it?

So he can get oxygen to his brain.

Who made the first soft drink?

Adam -- he made Eve's cherry pop

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What's the position to make ugly babies?

Ask your parents.

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

BINGO

What do you call a lesbian with a big tongue?

Well hung

Did you hear that Bill Gates bought the world-wide rights to Viagra?

He's renaming it MICROHARD.

How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?

He marks the camels that kick.

What do blondes and doorknobs have in common?

Everyone gets a turn.

What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?

They have both been laid all over America.

What is the mating call of a blonde?

"I'm soooooo Drunk"

What's the difference between a blonde and a brick wall?

Brick walls only been laid once.

Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged?

Cuz Cowboys eat wit thier hats on.

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go aHEAD, while i give these two a lift.

How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?

Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.

Why can't Bill Clinton work at KFC?

He can't keep his hands of breast and thighs.

Why did Bill Clinton give up the saxophone?

Because he had a hor-monica.

What do you call five lesbians in a closet?

A licker cabinet.

What did the penis say to the condom?

cover me iam going in.

Jokes...HAHAHAHA

What do a walrus and tupperware have in common?

They both like a tight seal!

Why do moths fly with their legs open?

Cause they've got huge mothballs

Why is diarrhea hereditary?

Because it runs in your genes.

How do you catch a bra?

set up a boobie trap

In a pod of whales, how can you tell which one is gay?

He's the one that tips the boat and sucks out the 'seamen!'

WHy can't the Blonde dail 911?

she can't find the eleven

What's invisible and smells like carrots???

Bunny farts!

Two condoms are walking down a street in San Francisco and pass a gay bar. One condom nudges the other condom and asks, "Hey, want to go get shit-faced?"

What do you get when you run over a parakeet with a lawnmower?

Shredded tweet!

Tale Of A Telephone

I hope you can spare a minute or two to listen to my story.
I was in the shower the other day, in all my natural glory,
when through the sound of the waterfall, I thought I heard the phone,
so I turned the taps to stop the flow, and got out with a groan.

Well, grabbing a towel, and dripping all over, I picked up the darn machine.
The water was puddling round my feet, I'm sure you know what I mean.
Then putting my lips to the mouthpiece, I politely said Hello,
and a sweet young thing on the end of the line began her speech with "Oh,

"I'm Jennifer from the Guide Dogs, and I was wondering whether
you'd care to hear the list of treasures that we have put together?"
She rattled off a catalogue while I dripped all over the floor,
and a stream of water crept along and vanished under the door.

At last I got a word in, and said, "I was in the shower."
and she said, "We've got a cap for that, it's shaped just like a flower."
Well, to stop her talking, I ordered the thing, and hung up the telephone
then grabbing some paper towels, I mopped up with a moan.

Back under the shower I finally went, and let the water flow.
I was feeling utterly blissful, then suddenly, wouldn't you know?
the phone was ringing again, of course, and I muttered a curse or three,
but conscience made me answer the thing, to see who it could be.

'Twas a cladding firm, who would make my home the envy of all the town.
They could offer me some fantastic deal, too good for me to turn down.
But I did, you know, I turned it down, took the phone right off the hook,
and dived back in the shower, without a second look.

The water soothed my crankiness, I was feeling really well,
when straining my ears, I faintly heard the sound of the front door bell.
Well, I climbed from the shower, and I dried and dressed, and went to check the door.
The Avon lady was standing there, with her bag by her feet on the floor,

And pulling up in the street outside, the Flick man in his ute
was heading in my direction, with a smile that said, "You beaut!"
So I said to them, "I'm so sorry! I'm just on my way out!
Try my next door neighbour, she's somewhere round about!"

I bolted out to my car, and quickly drove away,
and bought myself an answer phone that self-same day,
and now when I'm in the shower, the phone can ring off the wall,
and I don't get out to answer it, no matter who may call.